So, I kept doing it because...

The very first time that I saw Jayla, she was in the Level II NICU - hooked up to an IV, several monitors, and had a tube going down her throat to remove air from her stomach. She had a surgery appointment for the following morning though the surgeons nor the doctors knew exactly what kind of surgery would need to be performed. All they knew is that her tummy was distended and she appeared to have some sort of blockage of her bowels. So, they didn't feed her. Jayla was never fed until she was 6 days old.

But, during that 6 days, I pumped at least 42 times so that when my baby could finally eat, I would have a milk supply for her. I was determined to make sure that she was getting breastmilk because it is supposed to be most easily digest by babies...and I needed good digestion so that my baby could poop and get out of that hospital! She was finally able to breastfeed at 3 weeks old. It was hard at first. She was very used to taking bottles in the NICU. But, I was determined to make it work. So, I kept doing it because I wanted to make sure that we did not stop up her bowels again.

After 2 weeks or so, she had become a pro nurser. In those days she was nursing about 8-10 hours a day. But, when she wasn't, I didn't know what to do with her. She cried. So, I kept doing it because it meant she wasn't crying.

Then once I went back to work, I was determined that I would do everything for my child that I would do if I were staying at home with her. So, I kept doing it because it helped ease some of my working mom guilt.

Then I realized the power that I had. It meant that Jayla had to be with me always because I was the only person that could feed her. So, I kept doing it because people accepted it as a reason why I couldn't be separated from Jayla.

As she started to get older and I would think about the weaning process, I became very afraid. I did not think I knew how to be a mother to her outside of our nursing relationship. So, I kept doing it because I wasn't sure how else to be a mother to her.

Then as we were approaching her first birthday and people were really looking at me to wean her, I decided that I didn't want to. So, I kept doing it because there was no real reason to stop.

For the last 6 weeks, we've only been nursing in the morning - just one feeding a day. But, it was the most awesome time. It was how we started our every single day. It was the one thing that we knew would happen no matter what. Her daddy would bring her to me as I lay in bed every morning and she always looked at me and smiled as if to say, "Good Morning!" before she latched on. So, I kept doing it because no one in their right mind would want to give that up.